The Guide to Going Down on Women

Good signs include her driving her hips into you, quickening her breathing, and making moaning or sighing sounds. If you get these reactions, continue what you're doing, and be careful not to make the mistake of immediately speeding up, which can distract her. Most women like a steady rhythm and slow buildup.

If she's wiggling away from you, you are likely using too much pressure or stimulating an area that's too sensitive. If she's lying there with no sign of movement or sound, it's likely you haven't hit the hot spot yet, although to be fair some women just aren't very expressive in bed. If she's very quiet, you can listen to her breathing for clues; it will deepen as she gets more excited. If you can't pick up signals from her, it's best to just ask how it's working for her.

Some moves to try during the experimentation phase:

  • Lick in long strokes from bottom to top over her entire vulva (from the opening of the vagina at the bottom to the clitoral hood at the top), like you're licking an ice cream cone. This is a good basic stroke and one you may want to return to in between trying other things.
  • Position your lips around her clitoris and suck it gently into your mouth. Women vary widely in how much suction they like, so go slowly and pay attention to her response.
  • Using a vibrating or flicking motion (yes, sometimes it IS okay to flick), stimulate her clitoris with the tip of your tongue. This works best if you have your lips planted around the area and you've sucked the clitoris slightly into your mouth as in the technique above.
  • With your lips around the clitoral area, use the tip of your tongue to make circular, up-and-down, or back-and forth motions over the clitoris and clitoral hood.
  • With the underside of your tongue against her clitoris, move your tongue back and forth as if you were waving goodbye.
  • Gently probe with your tongue around the opening of her vagina. Some women like a circling motion around the opening; others like to be penetrated slightly with a firm tongue. Remember, though, that your tongue is at a disadvantage when it comes to penetration; it's short and relatively soft, and its real strengths lie in delivering other sensations. If she seems to enjoy some penetration during oral sex, you might try sliding a finger into her vagina and stimulating her G-spot with a "come here" motion toward her bellybutton.

3. Find a rhythm. Once you've found the golden technique, you'll want to focus on getting into a rhythm with it. A common mistake many men make is speeding up too quickly. Take it slower than you think you should, and let her relax into the sensation. A slow pace will often bring her to orgasm more quickly than if you go at it full throttle. You can speed up, but let her be your guide. When her breathing becomes very deep and you're noticing muscle contractions like an arched back or clenched hands, then you can increase your pace—but just a little bit at a time, and watch her reactions to make sure you haven't gotten ahead of yourself and thrown her off.

4. Orgasm—or not. Some women can't reach orgasm through oral sex, or won't want to, preferring to come some other way. If you do bring her to orgasm, feel free to give yourself a pat on the back. If she doesn't climax, you can check in with her to see if there's something different you might do, but please don't put any guilt on yourself or on her for not making it happen. She may want to just enjoy the experience without feeling pressured to come.

Ask, Ask, Ask

One final note on giving head: if there's one rule for oral sex, it's that every woman is different. There's no substitute for communicating with her to find out what she likes. That said, she may not know what she likes, and even if she knows, she may not be able to describe it. Be open, try lots of new things, and learn how to check in with her so she feels comfortable giving you feedback. With any luck, you'll soon be getting the kind of feedback that shakes the walls and wakes up the neighbors!

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